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Lost.
I used to think that was such a negative word. Being lost was something I never wanted to be. As an enneagram two, I crave security.
I just want to belong somewhere. I always want to know the plan. Obviously, life happens. But I just want to know the general plan so I can be prepared for whatever comes.
I used to carry my planner with me everywhere I went. I put my whole life in that thing. When I was going to the grocery store, what time I was getting up, when I would get coffee with a friend, when I would take a lunch break, you name it. I planned out everything.
Then things didn’t go to plan.
Not just the “oh shoot, something came up and we have to reschedule.” I’m talking the “I can’t name a plan that’s even going according to plan.”
I was so angry with the circumstances of my life that I started to refuse to plan anything. I was so sick of being disappointed. This fear of disappointment slowly seeped into other areas of my life as well. Soon after, I caught myself being so afraid of putting myself out there, whether it be dating, job interviews, friendships, etc. because I didn’t want to be rejected.
Nothing was working out the way I wanted to. It felt like I kept getting up, just to be pushed back down again.
I’ve kind of been in this little rut for about 2 and a half years now.
Lately I’ve been observing people in my life and watching them get married, have kids, get their dream jobs, buy a house, get a killer apartment, travel the world, etc. I’ve been comparing my life to their accomplishments and I just feel lost.
I have goals that I am working on, but it just seems like it’s not coming together.
I feel in the middle in about every area of my life right now.
Just not quite there yet.
I wish I had directions for the course of my life, because I would certainly be following that.
I’m writing this for the person who may feel like this too.
Maybe it feels like everyone else is following their GPS & you don’t even know where your destination is.
I feel you.
•••
This past weekend, I was in Colorado with my family for my younger sister’s wedding. We stayed a few extra days to go hiking. (I say hiking lightly because we had three children under the age of 4 with us, so it was more of a long nature walk- but for the sake of this blog, let’s call it a hike.)
It was hot, I was tired from the long weekend and the altitude was getting to me. There weren’t any mile markers, I didn’t have service, and there was no map that we could find to tell us how much further we had to go.
“What does this sign say?”
I looked over to see a mom taking her two young kids up the mountain.
“It says St-ay on Tr-Tr-Trail. Stay on trail” her son answered.
“Why do you think we need to stay on the trail?” She asked.
“Um, I think we need to stay on this path so that we don’t get lost on our way up the mountain.”
•••
I spoke with my pastor a few weeks ago and he reminded me of Luke 15.
“What man among you, who has 100 sheep and loses one of them, does not leave the 99 in the open field and go after the lost one until he finds it? When he has found it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders, and coming home, he calls his friends and neighbors together, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, because I have found my lost sheep!” (Luke 15:4-6 HCSB)
What I take from this, is God saying: “Hey (insert your name here), I know that it seems like everyone else is on the path. Everyone else is on track. I see you. I know you are off the path and feel lost, but don’t worry. I’m coming to get you. I know where you are. I always have. I am searching for your heart. Come with me, follow me. I will lead you to where you need to go.”
I take comfort knowing I can never be too lost for God.
I’m not powerful enough to mess up Gods plan for my life, and you aren’t either.
Follow Him, he will lead you back to the path.
& if you get/have gotten to your destination before I do mine, know that I am so happy for you, and I’m so thankful I can see examples of what I have to look forward to.
We may not have directions, but we do have access to the guide.
Stay on Trail.
Maybe we aren’t so lost after all.
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